Wrestling with Family, Wrestling with Self
Words of Wisdom with Rabbi Efrat Zarren-Zohar
Image by mnanni from Pixabay
This recent Thanksgiving I was in Boston visiting my uncle (my father’s only brother), my aunt and their children and grandchildren. My sister and her son also flew in.
The night before Thanksgiving dinner, my sister, my husband Avi and I all had dinner together (but without the other family members), and she shared a difficult issue she was wrestling with regarding her husband.
Wrestling… it’s what we often do with family, right?
No matter how loving, no matter how “in tune,” no matter how compatible — there’s always wrestling going on.
And that reminds us of the Torah portion this week, Vayishlach, which begins with Yaakov (Jacob) on a journey of return to the Land of Israel with his family and all his possessions.
He knows that he will encounter his brother Eisav (Esau) on the way and the last time he saw his brother, Eisav wanted to kill him.
Yaakov sends messengers ahead and learns that his brother is coming to meet him with 400 men!
Naturally, that makes Yaakov very afraid.
He divides this family into two groups in case his brother slaughters one of them, hoping one group will be able to escape.
He prays to G!D.
He gathers his many animals and divides them into multiple groups. Then one of Yaakov’s servants, presents these animals (group after group) to Eisav to propitiate him, hoping for mercy.
He does everything he can think of to do to save himself and his family.
Then night falls.
Yaakov sends his family and all of his possessions to the other side of a river.
That’s when the Torah tells us “Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the break of day.” (Bereisheet/Genesis 32:25)
Who was he wresting with if he was alone? Who was this unnamed man, who appears at this exact moment?
Some commentators say Yaakov is wrestling with himself (internally, metaphorically). Some say he’s wrestling with Eisav’s spirit.
What if the answer is both?
That’s where I am reminded of my sister.
As Jews, we are all in the Torah in some form or other reflected in the stories of our ancestors.
And when you have a sibling, especially one close in age (my sister, Ruth, is 3 years younger), you know that part of who you are was formed in relation to part of who s/he is and vice versa.
I was the studious one, so she became the jock.
I was involved with the Drama club, so she chose to be on the Yearbook team.
I was the “good girl” obeying all my parents’ rules, and she was the one that tested them at every turn.
And the more I was me; the more she became the “anti-me.”
Maybe you can relate to this description. Or maybe your sibling rivalry played out in a different way.
We are all consciously and unconsciously reacting to what we perceive of other human beings all the time, which is especially amplified if they are family or close friends, since the emotional attachment is greater.
Hence, the possibility of Yaakov wrestling with himself AND Eisav’s spirit.
As Avi and I listened to my sister’s dilemma, we offered some perceptions and suggestions.
My sister was so appreciative of our insights, and she couldn’t help but show… her surprise.
Surprise… because I think she hadn’t expected us to be so helpful since she had already processed it with her therapist.
And why were we able to be so helpful?
Because both Avi and I have been trained in mindfulness meditation, which teaches a person how to listen in a fully present way (not distracted!) and how to identify when our own emotions and issues are entering into a situation.
What can we learn from this?
When you struggle with someone close to you -- your sister, your brother, or some other relative – try to determine if you are actually struggling with your own self!
Because the struggle with the other may truly be a manifestation of the struggle with their spirit that is inside of you (seeing you share a common history, common values and common DNA.
